Wednesday, January 28, 2009
"So I’ve been tanning for my friend’s wedding on Saturday. I went topless b/c I don’t want the lines. So I said to my friend that I didn’t want to burn my.... Nips... :) so she told me her fiancé said to put chapstick on them. Which to me- makes perfect sense. So I have been. Then last night, I forgot. OOPS! Well... They hurt a little. So I go to email my friend and her fiancé – who I’ve never emailed, but know he works for the state – as does she. So I take her email address:
Your day could always start out like this, people...and bbell, if you are out there, we hope you at least got a smile at 7AM yesterday morning!
Please note that as itchy as they may look, they are actually worse.
Today, however, my forehead appears to have lost all redness and one whole half of my face no longer looks like I was held under duress on a red ant hill and bitten half to death.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
My doctor, however, informed me of the the two following outcomes that I might experience due to my new cremes:
1. 2-3 days to go away- best case
2. 2-3 weeks to go away- not so best case
Then, like all good medical professionals, he shared the worst case scenario.
***Eerie music... enter fog....
This one time, I had a lady who had beautiful, flawless skin and went and had a bad facial experience...
And she had such bad acne from the facial that I had to put her on Accutane and she even had some facial scarring....
......fade to black******
Alright, listen up medical community. When you have a patient who has as highly active of an imagination as me, please do not tell us we could end up scarred due to one day of pampering in our measly little lives. And if you can't tell if we are highly imaginative, assume the worst.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The above represents the type of underwear I think she was wearing. Apparently, these being her favorite brand and style, she had worn them to the point of becoming brittle and when she pulled on them, the side piece tore.
Knowing she had little options, sitting there as she was, she proceeded to tie the broken pieces together. I think the resulting scenario would look something like this MS Paint sketch:
As you can see in the repaired sketch, it appears that approximately 1/2 of one buttcheek would be "free" for the rest of the day. Also, due to the quantity of material needed to "tie" them back together, the resultant panties were a little bit small. In fact, fearing she would never be able to get them back down or up, this trip was the last to the bathroom for the entire day until she returned home.
Obviously, feeling uncomfortable, sure that someone could tell and needing some resolve from outside herself, she emailed her sister to get some feedback. The response:
"Sometimes things happen. I just saw a cow mounting an alpaca and the alpaca looked very uncomfortable."
So ladies and gentleman, I guess that your mom was right. Always wear a good clean pair of underwear when you leave the house.
Monday, January 5, 2009
"So of course i try to start my car this morning to move it out of a 2 hour zone and it doesn't start. And i have apparently maxed out on AAA for this term. Didnt even know you could do that. Go f*** yourself 2009."
I can recognize bad luck from miles away but I met the Devil Car at a much closer range and I tell you that car is some bad mojo.
Last year, her 1996 green Nissan Sentra took her for a ride when the brakes didn't work and she had a small accident that resulted in an estimated minimum $1500 in body damage with an estimated Blue Book value of about the same. Fearing further costs, she acted upon the advice of her family and did not have any work done, nor did she have them look under the hood. Instead, her family acting out of love, compassion, and a misguided sense of direction bought her a car. Her green Nissan Sentra was towed to Western NY. In return, she found herself the new owner of...
That's right folks. A 1996 white Nissan Sentra with about 80,000 less miles on it.
Thank you Maggie, I will take it from here. Hi everyone, I am the owner of the El Diablo, or "unlucky #2." Upon purchasing El Diablo for only $2200, I thought it was a bargain since a family mechanic had been working on it so I wouldn't have to be swindled by Philadelphia mechanics.
My father graciously drove the roughly 700 round trip journey in one day, and within only a few hours of his departure back to NY, the check engine light lit up. Which made the registration and inspections difficult to get that weekend. The next week I went to get my inspection done with a disclaimer of "I know the check engine light is on, please fix that and then inspect it." Upon its retrievel, I found a bill that seemed a little cheap, but why argue with that?!?! That evening, I was driving home from rugby practice (approximately 11 pm down Broad St.) and when I turned onto Fitzwater, I felt a bump. Of course I nicked the meridian and got a flat tire. I pulled over and proceeded to change the tire due to exhaustion and impatience of AAA. After 2 whistling bike-by offers to help, I realized the lug-nuts were rusted shut much, like they had been on the previous Nissan Sentra. So I ended up calling AAA anyways, which allowed me to finally find a parking spot by my apartment around 1230 AM. The next morning I walked to my car to find a parking ticket (I was only 2 feet past the "Do Not Park Past Here" sign), and I called my fellow-blogger to explain the chain of events. As I drove and talked, I hit a bump, inevitably causing the check engine light to re-light up.
The following is a summary of problems with El Diablo since acquisition on 10/10/08:
- Check Engine light STILL on
- Air Bag light does not stop flashing
- Brake light out (and yes I tried replacing the bulb)
- Right side view mirror repeatedly falls out
- Cruise Control resets to 5 mph below what is manually set at
- Possible battery/alternator issue
- Left front headlight slowly falling out
- Apparently, no more AAA visits without a COD payment
- El Diablo has ruined my driving sanity and is clearly the bus to Hell...anyone need a ride?
P.S. I was told over Christmas that the original 1996 green Nissan Sentra has been repaired for less than the original estimate and is running as good as new. My sister has been given this car for free to drive around college. Merry F'ing Christmas while you're at it.